To Dad, With Love...

So... Last night turned out to be a horrible night. I had a massive, and I really mean massive, fight with my Dad. My Dad and I rarely argue, if ever. He isn't the arguing kind. He is very gentle and calm and quiet. It was just horrible. It got way out of control and a lot of hurtful things were said both ways.

You know often in arguments people say that things are said that aren't meant. The problem with last night's argument, is that I truly believe the things on both parts were meant. I was sobbing uncontrollably and had to work last night, so the combination was not good. I got to work on time, but spent 20 minutes or more in the car on the phone to my Dad and ended up walking in a bit late. Red eyed, thought I was ok, walked in and David took one look at me, ran up to me and hugged me so tight to which I was sobbing again... Then Andrew came up and took me out the back of the theatre and did the same thing, standing there hugging me for ages. I just couldn't stop crying.

I don't know whether it was stress or what. Everything with the show and lack of sleep and life in general... I don't know. How the argument started was my fault I admit, I was over tired, Dad gave me some news which made me snap and then it esculated.

I find it so hard sometimes on my own, and so tiring and sometimes I feel very much alone (Even though I am surrounded by the most amazing people on earth who I love dearly) I went up to my desk to regroup, when John (Contentious in Lit by Limelight) who is running lights said to me "Doll, cry, cry cry cry and get it out, it is ok to do that, you are doing a great job and hats off to you" I don't know what is wrong with me, or what was wrong with me.

I chose Dad as my major target. I think because truthfully I have very little respect for him. I have always felt he abondoned my older brother and myself and only talks to me out of some form of obligation. I love him which makes it all the more difficult. We just have so many unresolved issues and I am so much closer to my step father and I just think that is so wrong. That isn't the way things should be. I just don't know how we can fix it?

He told me last night he was too old to change. I told him I felt that was defeatist and that he needs to meet me in the middle. If he can do that, and I can do that, then we can try and salvage something...

He told me he wants to meet me for lunch and we'll try and develop something.

We'll see I guess.

At the end of the day, when all else fails... I know that my step father is always there for me and that my father... well... who knows...

He thinks my three brothers are the world and I am the let down...Well, he denies it and says he is incredibly proud of me and that he loves me. I just think he has a very odd way of showing it.

Atleast he wants to give it a go. I guess that is all I can ask for.