It's Getting Harder and Harder To Breathe...

I am so so so tired of stress. I swear my life line is getting shorter at twice the rate of normal people.

More crap with the hospital, more crap with selling my house and then my mother is driving me NUTS!

I get that she is under a lot of stress herself, but it is the way she deals with stress that kills me. See for some reason she finds it easiest to take all her frustrations out on me. She won't do it to anyone else. When I asked her why (Many times over the years) she says it is because she is "closest" to me, and "trusts" me most and "knows" I will forgive her.

It is like she is my best mate and sometimes my enemy in one. I am tired of being her sounding board. Yet because I love her so much I end up letting it slide because what other choice do I have?

Sometimes I wish she would turn to my brother for help. I have learnt my habits of stress and stress management (Or lack thereof) from her and now I feel churned up enough to want to throw up. (This happens anytime she gets stressed).

I have enough shit to deal with let alone her additional pile of shit which in actual fact she should be seeking comfort in my step dad (Not me!)
Apparently my step dad is too "precious" to hear it. He is such a great bloke, love him... but according to mother "Doesn't like conflict".

Do any of us "like" conflict?

I am about ready to snap tonight.

I think a hot cup of milo, a hot shower and an early night are well and truly on the cards.

Don't Look Back In Anger, I Heard You Say...

I don't even know where to begin. All I know is I am trying to shorten the gap between posts.

Today Aleesha came over and spent the day here... It was so good to see her as it has been far too long!!!

(Leeshy on the right with Renee and myself)

Anyway, Leesh has spent the majority of our uni holidays over east so I haven't seen her since CT wrapped up. She is a real cutie pie. A very infectious person to be around because of her gentle nature and her lack of getting angry. She is never loudly spoken, she is a giggle pot and completely harmless.

We were talking today about psychics and regression therapy and whether or not we would consider going to have it done. Now psychics is a medium (HA! What a pun!) that I can deal with and have seen them many times now (In fact, I will be going again this Friday!) but never for regression therapy.

Aleesha and I argued two sides.
1: Do it and learn more about quote unquote "previous lives" and past and so on.
2: Is it right to go ahead and do it? Do we really want to know these things? Will it affect us greatly to do it?!

I think I need to think on it more but it was a very interesting conversation. It sort of led onto hypnotherapy being used for a similar purpose but for within this life.

I have to wonder whether it would be helpful for me to drag up things or to leave it?

Is it a little like knowing the future? Do we really need to know?

Ahhh yes, the many questions one could ask. Questions for me are like candy for a baby (Or as it should be, a child... or maybe Renee? :P)

Also this week we (As in Addy, Leesh, Renee, Chanz, Rach, David and myself) are considering in taking part in a gay marriage rights rally. There hasn't been a lot of publicity but I found a website outlining where it should be as well as a petition to sign. Hopefully we can organise to get there if not I am going to donate to the following website and show my support in any way I can:

http://www.australianmarriageequality.com/

It is such an important cause. I am not fighting for any particular individual (As it stands, Addy doesn't believe in marriage at this stage of his life)... The point is there should be choice!!! Fight for the right of choice!!!

I am a straight woman wanting to fight for the rights of her friends and those beyond them!

Maybe the message will not be heard, at this stage it doesn't look likely... but there needs to be some support against such blantant narrow mindedness.

I'm Not Over, I'm Not Over You Just Yet. Cannot Hide It, You're Not That Easy To Forget.

Knowledge and insight can often come from the most interesting places. Last night I had a deep and meaningful conversation with one of my friend's Mums online. I really should stop calling her 'My friend's Mum' because we have our own kind of relationship in our own right and I have known her for a decade or more now. I guess we just never really talked in lots of detail until the last few months.

You know often at times I feel quite alone on the journey I am on. I know people go through it but no one directly close to me. My 3 best friends are married, one is due to have a baby and so on.
My theatre friends are young.

My Three Best Friends. From Left: Marianne (Who is due to have a baby in 2 weeks), Rachael and Chantelle.

She brought up a certain topic and I just rolled with it. Anyway, I am a creature of forming habits or safety nets and sticking with them because the idea of changing things is very scary and I am a wuss when it comes to getting hurt.

She then said one line to me that probably was the most, hmmm a word.... Well it was like a giant slap in the face. By this I don't mean hurtful or spiteful, I mean it was like a giant wake up. A check on reality.

Aside from that, this woman who I always found quite strong and sure of herself, a woman who seemed to have a grip on everything and absolute control showed me that she herself had weaknesses and could literally describe word for word how I feel each day, each night and on this journey.

Even though there were moments of sad reflection, it was really good for me to hear that I am not crazy or ridiculous. She literally described without provocation things she felt and still feels and said she is confident I am going through the same thing. She's absolutely, freakishly right.

I really admire this woman, I really look up to her and I, for some reason, find her really easy to talk to and confide in. Already she knows things about me that I have never told anyone. Funny the friendships you make right??? Or how the most unexpected people turn out to be great influences and insight. My life certainly is interesting.

And They Say A Hero Can Save Us...

Been a few days and today is certainly a day for blogging.

I woke up this morning feeling like hell... In fact, I actually cried myself to sleep last night. How stupid is that? I know right?! Irrational and stupid.

When I woke up this morning, I got up immediately (This is rare, usually I take 10 minutes to get myself together) and jumped in the shower. I came out, sat on the bed and remembered something that David had given me yesterday.

I pulled it out of my bag (A card) and I read his words. Then I read them again and again and again. When he gave me the card yesterday afternoon I don't think the words actually sunk in. This morning, they did.

I am not going to explain the situation written about in the card. That is for David and I to know. I will say this, it was crappy at the time, for both of us and both of us were right, and both of us were wrong and both of us accept that it is just one of the stupid things that happen.

I am going to show the card though. Humour me and read it (Click image to make larger)


David is going to be 21 in a few weeks. Just 21. And yet I feel the maturity he showed in his words in this card speak volumes.
I don't feel that David is to blame for what happened. I feel we were both out of line equally and that is why it is something that was easily forgiven.

The point I am trying to make is David, who is the type of guy who doesn't wear his heart on his sleeve and who is 'the strong one' showed his inner thoughts, his feelings for the sake of saving our friendship (Given he didn't need to save it as I love him dearly).He went out of his character. He took a chance, put it out there and here I am, crazy in love with my friend and feel that this card alone helped put another little piece of my shattered, fragile being back together.

(Obviously this is David and I)

The reason I felt crap? That is something else I am not going to go into details of. I will, however, say this.

My self esteem is non existant I feel somedays. My mother and besties feels it is all days. A fault I have is taking things very much to heart, something which each and every day I am working on changing.

I struggle to realise sometimes things just happen because of unfortunate circumstance rather than something that I had caused. This would be in large part due to the past and events of it.

Last night was just another case of this happening. I still feel very sore today and very down about it and irrationally self loathing as a result of it.

I read David's card, and he knows me and he knows how I work, how I function and how little I value myself. He wrote honesty, he wrote truth and he wrote words I will always remember. He did it all because he loves me and values me.

David has said to me many times "I am going to make you see one day you are fucking awesome"

Whilst that is a long way off, one thing I do see is someone who is putting in the hard yards to damn well try and to make it known he cares.

To me, that is REAL friendship.

Children's Theatre, End Of An Era.

The Captive Carousel (Children's Theatre 2008)

Good work Lee, letting 2 days pass. Well done ;-)

What is on my mind? Where do I begin. Let's start with theatre. (When is it not?)

Last night I went to dinner with my original theatre friends. I call them original as it was the first drama class I had taken since high school and we all stuck together. Joel, Brooke, Kate and John H were there. Mel, Darren and Murali (The tutors) came and Jenny, the most incredibly woman, the woman who changed my life and the woman who I totally idolise and want to follow in the footsteps of were there also.

Missing were Andrew, Renee, Kim, Karen, John K and Scott.

Went to Little Creatures in Freo, food was amazing. Jenny and I ended up sharing two dishes as we both couldn't decide what to have. Wine was amazing!

Anyway, it really hit me on the drive home that is it. A lot of them are graduating or moving on somehow and we are parting. It actually hurt a little inside. I know I have made amazing other friends who will still be there. This is different though. My first lot. The day had to come.

I am just glad next semester I still have Joel, Andrew and Mel. And next year Joel, Kate (When she returns from Chile) and I will do one more (And the final *cry*) round of Children's Theatre. 3rd time for all of us, but there is a good purpose which I can't outline now.

So I guess I wanted to say Thank You to all of them. For changing my life, for making me feel really accepted and for teaching me so much about who I want to be and what I want to do. I didn't know where my life was going nor did I have a shred of confidence before I met any of them and now my life is totally different.

I will miss them all very much and wish them the very best in the next step, the next chapter of their lives.
I know I have other plays, and have done other plays, but Children's Theatre made me.

My blog title is a tribute to every one. The song "Is this your hat, can I wear it?" drove everyone crazy and yet made many laughs in Lit By Limelight.

The Captive Carousel captured my heart and Lit By Limelight truly was an amazing adventure for this Tin Soldier.

Lit By Limelight (Children's Theatre 2009)

This Explains It...

I didn't cry in Hannah Montanna... BUT...This is the one part that had a drop running down my face.

Butterfly Fly Away lyrics
Songwriters: Ballard, Glen; Silvestri, Alan;
You tucked me in, turned out the light
Kept me safe and sound at night
Little girls depend on things like that

Brushed my teeth and combed my hair
Had to drive me everywhere
You were always there when I looked back

You had to do it all alone
Make a living, make a home
Must have been as hard as it could be

And when I couldn't sleep at night
Scared things wouldn't turn out right
You would hold my hand and sing to me

Caterpillar in the tree
How you wonder who you'll be
Can't go far but you can always dream

Wish you may and wish you might
Don't you worry, hold on tight
I promise you there will come a day
Butterfly fly away

Butterfly fly away, butterfly fly away
Flap your wings now you can't stay
Take those dreams and make them all come true

Butterfly fly away, butterfly fly away
We've been waiting for this day
All along and knowing just what to do
Butterfly, butterfly, butterfly, butterfly fly away

Butterfly fly away
Butterfly fly away


That's all I have to say for today.

Old Habits Die Hard

Or that is what they say.

What is it in this world that makes human beings what they are? I am talking about personality. Why do some people cruise through life without an obvious care, without any grasp over how their behaviour affects others and thinking that behaving the way they do is acceptable?

And then there are those of us who on the other extreme sit and constantly worry about others and worry about how we can make the world a better and more comfortable place for these people.

Do the former sit there knowing that the latter are that way and therefore rejoice in the fact they can get what they want from the latter being pushovers?

Or is it that they truly don't have a care in the world and don't see past their own noses?

Is it better to infact be the former? I have always thought so. Because that is who I am not.

I just get so frustrated because I want to be able to look the former in the eyes and tell them exactly what they are doing... but being the latter personality means that I am not capable of doing it for fear of upsetting the former.

I know this doesn't make much sense... I had a d & m with some special people over dinner tonight and we discussed such things.

I don't know.

All I know is that one day it is going to be too late for the former personality/ies and I will have moved on and if life goes according to plan (or should I say goals), I will not be the one who is going to be regretting it. I am the one who will be in my old age knowing I did everything I could.

Am I talking about someone specifically?.... Who knows??? I don't even know how to answer that.

Randomness once again over for tonight.

It has been a long week.

Miss S.

Happy Birthday Miss M... My beautiful niece. I love you very much sweetie pie!!!


Well today on the whole was a good day, until tonight where we had meltdown central. S got upset for whatever purpose... finally after an hour calmed her down only to have D take a head dive into the wall and end up with a massive egg on his head. After 20 minutes of screaming through cold compression I ended up with an exhausted D and an exhausted S.

Both went to bed and then 5 minutes later I heard sobbing again. Went in and S was curled up under her quilts crying.
I asked her if everything was ok and what was wrong and got the response through that breathless panic cry...
"I am so worried about D Mum, please don't make him go back to hospital? I don't want him to go back to hospital"

And that... that one line broke my heart into a thousand pieces. Not so much for D's sake, but for S's. See so much focus is put on D and everything we deal with that the impact of S becomes less apparent or noticed.

She is such a sensitive soul. When I explained to her that he will be ok, it was just a bump she said "I went over and gave him a kiss on the bump Mummy, I was worried"

I said "Darling, let me do the worrying ok? That's what Mums are for!... you close your eyes, and try to sleep, and tomorrow we will have a great day at the movies, and all will be ok... Just let me worry...I love you very very much"

She gave me a giant cuddle, I wiped away her tears, handed her Mr Bear, the bear she has carried since birth and none other has compared to, and kissed her foreheard. I walked over to D and kissed his forehead and made him giggle by prentending to be asleep and handed him back 'blanket'... His prized satin backed blanket he can't let go of.

When I walked out the room I wanted to break down. These are the times I feel alone and trying to stretch one body between two

S is sad and scared and I didn't realise how much so until tonight. A little angel.

My girl. I just want to cry, but that will help no one.

Tomorrow will be a great day, I am going to make it a great day. For me but most of all for S. Lord knows she deserves it!

"Did your ancestors kick Jesus when he was a baby or something?"

Said Renee to me just minutes ago when I mentioned to her that this afternoon my Aunty was taken to intensive care with respiratory issues.

So my cousin Tina has had very slow improvement this week, but it IS improvement.

This is my baby cousin Tina-Louise... Get well sweetie! xo

So, in the last fortnight, Decs smashes a glass door open with his head, cousin taken to intensive care with Guillian Barre Syndrome who then caught a hospital super bug and now my Aunty is in ICU with respiratory issues.

That is three. Things come in threes?

Except I think in my case, or the case of my family, 3000's may be more accurate. Hence why Renee's comment holds water. Yes I chuckled at it, but honestly what else can you do?

I contemplated starting to write a list of all the hits and kicks I (and my family) has received over the years but then I would literally be here all night. Insanity.

"God gives challenges to those he thinks can handle it!"

What a load of bollocks! The bottom line is you learn to adapt, progress and just deal with it. There isn't really a choice. The only alternative is to top yourself, and quite frankly that is NOT a road that I feel SHOULD be an option for anyone. You would only hurt all the people you leave behind.

One of my friends in high school tried to commit suicide, I was the one who found her covered in blood. It was terrifying and very sad for both her and myself, but for her it just showed how desperate she was, how much pain she was in and how she felt she had no choice.

It is now 13 years on from this happening and I am glad to say that after help, she is now living a happy and healthy life. I saw her even recently and she is settled, owns her own home, has a great partner and is happy.

Anyway, don't take this as a depressive post. It isn't at all. It is just once more rambling on about current thoughts.

Yadda yadda, blah blah and i'm done...

Boys To Men...

Right, so...

We all know that I have massive trust issues with males (Given the past it is entirely understandable!!! ... Well Renee said so so it must be true!)

My Mum and I have been talking about this and she said "Sweetheart, you have more male friends than anyone I know!"...
I must say, she is correct. I think the fact I had three brothers and was the only girl helped me to be able to relate to them as a "mate". That is why I was stunned when Joe confessed his feelings for me... (You know Joe right? The one who tells me how he feels then never spoke to me again... Been 18months now since I last spoke to him)

So, how on earth can I possibly say I have trust issues in males when I have a so many wonderful men in my life.

There are three that stand out. Let me mention them here... Three who I am safe in a friendship with without the remote chance of heartache or any of them falling in love with me, or me them (We all know how that has turned out in the past)

Adam (21 years old) : He is the biggest cutie pie I know. The kind of bond we have is like brother and sister. We always laugh, he is always great for a cuddle and he is hilarious! Adam and I love to drool over men together (Yes he is!) and make light of everything.

David (21 years old): For a guy of just 21 years of age, he has such a strong head on his shoulders. David will SMS me randomly with song lyrics or phone me singing them. He is very supportive and always says it is his wish to boost my self esteem. I feel like we can have grown up conversations when it counts.

Andrew (33 years old): Andy Andy Andy... He is an absolute champion. Insanely funny, extremely sensitive (Sometimes a bit of a sook and clingy... but in a good way) and like me in the respect of needing to feel loved and appreciated and hating confrontation or standing up for himself. He reminds me of me. He is just a bit *thinking of the term* neurotic sometimes... I think it is a theatre thing.

Of course my step dad and older brother rate right up there, but that is somewhat different.

I can't really explain what it is. I think you would all understand due to my past and everything that has happened.

I don't even know what has made me feel the need to write this post. Just a waffle to be honest, a current conversation amongst my BFFs and Mum...

Anyway moving on :P

Luke, I Am Your Father.

So today I wrote my Dad a letter. No, an e-mail (Times have a changed my friend) outlining what I have felt for the last 17 years. He actually had e-mailed me first with his thoughts so I phoned him, told him to give me 30 minutes to write one back and then we'll see.

It took me an hour but I did it. I CCed it to my Step Mother and Mother, then later sent it on to Renee to read.

Dad responded immediately. He was glad I sent it and said it was beautifully written and he needs time to think on it and talk about it with my Step Mother.
Renee and Mum both responded to me with how much they felt it and loved it. Both said it couldn't have been written better and both said they wanted to give me a great big hug.

You know, many many times over the years I have written bitter, detestful letters and thrown them away. This one wasn't like that at all. It was honest, but carefully done. I feel peace. I feel I have done what was needed and now I can tuck that chapter of my life away.

Let's move on.

What a bizarre weekend. I had the shows, went drinking at the Kardy, went to the movies with Chantelle and went feral at some shit of a kid who was throwing stuff in the cinema. Chantelle then felt I needed anger management (LOL!) and made me go to the Freo match and scream and yell with her. I wore purple... Oh my poor Eagles. Still.

Saturday night's show was my favourite of all shows. It went really well, I had a lot of laughs with the boys on the headsets and after the show... Well... That was interesting.
Meeting new people and all. My thoughts on this I won't write about here... Renee and Chantelle have been my sounding boards...

Anyway...
The Cast Party was a lot of fun too! I liked the adult company. Truthfully (I love you guys, my Uni friends I do I do I do) but sometimes it is nice to hang out with above 25's.
I have never been a heavy drinker, a clubber or partier. So this cast party was nice and relaxed as opposed to drinking to the point of throwing up and trying to 'hook up' with anyone with a pulse!... In saying that, at my age a pulse is a great start! (I love you guys so much!!!)

Lastly, I have decided I should stay single forever. Reason being is that my iPhone is so amazing and does everything I need that I feel anyone else would be cheating. Sharing and dividing my time.

Oh... no... actually this is lastly. I want to buy a lightsaber.

That is all...

To Dad, With Love...

So... Last night turned out to be a horrible night. I had a massive, and I really mean massive, fight with my Dad. My Dad and I rarely argue, if ever. He isn't the arguing kind. He is very gentle and calm and quiet. It was just horrible. It got way out of control and a lot of hurtful things were said both ways.

You know often in arguments people say that things are said that aren't meant. The problem with last night's argument, is that I truly believe the things on both parts were meant. I was sobbing uncontrollably and had to work last night, so the combination was not good. I got to work on time, but spent 20 minutes or more in the car on the phone to my Dad and ended up walking in a bit late. Red eyed, thought I was ok, walked in and David took one look at me, ran up to me and hugged me so tight to which I was sobbing again... Then Andrew came up and took me out the back of the theatre and did the same thing, standing there hugging me for ages. I just couldn't stop crying.

I don't know whether it was stress or what. Everything with the show and lack of sleep and life in general... I don't know. How the argument started was my fault I admit, I was over tired, Dad gave me some news which made me snap and then it esculated.

I find it so hard sometimes on my own, and so tiring and sometimes I feel very much alone (Even though I am surrounded by the most amazing people on earth who I love dearly) I went up to my desk to regroup, when John (Contentious in Lit by Limelight) who is running lights said to me "Doll, cry, cry cry cry and get it out, it is ok to do that, you are doing a great job and hats off to you" I don't know what is wrong with me, or what was wrong with me.

I chose Dad as my major target. I think because truthfully I have very little respect for him. I have always felt he abondoned my older brother and myself and only talks to me out of some form of obligation. I love him which makes it all the more difficult. We just have so many unresolved issues and I am so much closer to my step father and I just think that is so wrong. That isn't the way things should be. I just don't know how we can fix it?

He told me last night he was too old to change. I told him I felt that was defeatist and that he needs to meet me in the middle. If he can do that, and I can do that, then we can try and salvage something...

He told me he wants to meet me for lunch and we'll try and develop something.

We'll see I guess.

At the end of the day, when all else fails... I know that my step father is always there for me and that my father... well... who knows...

He thinks my three brothers are the world and I am the let down...Well, he denies it and says he is incredibly proud of me and that he loves me. I just think he has a very odd way of showing it.

Atleast he wants to give it a go. I guess that is all I can ask for.

Give My Regards To.... Nexus?

So...

Show one is over and thankfully it went very well... I had one minor CD issue (It skipped at one point) but nobody noticed.

The actors were great, they really gave it a good go. We had a small audience but that was to be expected for a low publicised Wednesday night... I anticipate tonight will be the same. I know Friday night is going to be our big one.

When I got in last night I was feeling a bit anxious and was being quiet. Then Andrew walked out of the dressing room and went "WOW! You look AWESOME!"... Perplexed? I admit I was... Then I went into the dressing room to chat to some of the cast and Murali said to me "You are looking very Reeeeoowwwww *insert cat claws here* tonight!"
Well, I have to say two in a night! I appreciate it :-) Though I don't really see how I looked any different to normal...
Wait a sec, there it is. They are used to me coming in with trackies and jumpers and looking a mess. (Hey, with long rehearsals, you go for comfort)

Anyway, then Wade gave me a beautiful bunch of flowers to say "Thank you for all your hard work"... Awwwwwwwww... They are pretty and pink and white. I will drag a photo to show later.

So yeah, that was kind of a nice night despite any apprehension I had.

On the down side, my cousin has gotten worse. So that was a pretty crap day. I just want Tina to get better but it is going to be a very long and painful road.
Looks like her 18th birthday is going to be spent in intensive care...

Ok... that'll do for now... be back later.