'Tis The Season To Be.... Jolly??????

It's been longer than I can remember since I last posted. Today is Christmas day and I decided to spend the day alone. At first I was meant to spend the day with the beautiful Gretchen, who was ever so understanding when my Grandmother became ill and even now is still in intensive care in an induced coma with touch and go survival rate. She told me to spend the day with my family.

Right up until this morning, I had every intention of doing that. I woke up at 4:30am and for the life of me could not get back to sleep. I had this dream about my grandparents standing by the christmas tree and wanted it to be real. Except my Grandfather passed away 3 years ago.

I have always missed him a great deal... I was very close with him and we shared a bond. We understood eachother. I was always an outcast as a child with the entire flock of my family. A: Because my brother was so perfect (And he was really) and B: Because I was outspoken. But Grandad understood me. Sure we would fight, but he would always pat me on the back for challenging him.

This year, I have missed him terribly at Christmas, much more so than other years. I told my Mum about a fortnight ago I was struggling with it. The thing is too, I don't get sad and cry like Mum does... I get angry and bitter and withdraw so as to not offend anyone when I open my mouth.
Little did I know my Grandmother would take a turn.

I wouldn't say today I was miserable. It isn't the case. For the first time, in a very long time, I just wanted to be alone. I went in to see Grandma for a bit but otherwise it has just been me, on my bed, reading, watching TV and generally zoning out.

I don't have the tears my family do, I don't have the sorrow. To be honest, I feel very blank. I can't take the constant chatter or the constant misery in the room. I can't take my Aunties bickering (Or sniping behind eachother's backs) or even the occassional bounce up and down of optimism.

I just feel very segregated from the feelings that the rest of my family seem to be involved in and it is upsetting everyone, especially my mother.

I love my Grandmother, fuck yes I want her to pull through... I just can't deal with everyone else right now.

So this Christmas was a loner one. My very first in 28 years.

I miss my best friend, I wish she was home.

Miserable? No. Sad? No. Lonely? No. Indifferent? Yes.

I hate Christmas at the best of times and have since I was about 12. This year is no exception.

On to tomorrow!!!

Doesn't Matter What You Do, It's What You Did That's Hurting You.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tauH9VNUlds

I am writing my performance piece. This is to be performed Friday week. For some reason this song has helped. Not the song I am using, not a song I have listened to in the last 2 or more years and can't say what triggered me to find it other than old memories. This song once upon a time helped me in many ways...

I Feel, The Distance, Between Us, Could Be Over, With A Snap Of Your Fingers.

I am, admittedly, confused.

The last few days I have had several messages, via facebook e-mail type stuff to sms etc, saying such things as (I will use an example of one... Thank you to the person who sent me this) :

hey Leannimal! I meant to send you a message on thursday but I forgot. You seem a little down the last couple of times I've seen you. Are you ok?

Then yesterday I got a phone call from another dear friend who said:

"Hey, just wanted to call and check in you are doing ok. You seem not yourself and just wanted to check"

And then today I was out with my mother having a nice morning when randomly she said to me:

"Sweetheart are you doing ok? I told your step-dad the other day I felt you had been distant"...

Now these are just three of a few I have received. I am confused. I, truthfully (and as written in the previous post) had been feeling good lately and it never occurred to me I was being distant at all.

I have also had comments on me looking pale and ill...

I don't understand it? I mean one or two, ok sure no problems... but several? Seems so strange!

Am I being distant? I didn't think I had been any different to normal. I think my only change has been in Shakespeare because we are getting down to the wire and I have been reading lines inbetween scene rehearsals and then listening to Jenny's directions while rehearsing. Even then I still have been joking around and laughing when scenes go a bit haywire.

I just feel like me? I don't know... Strange. However I will say it is very sweet on the other hand I have such gorgeous people who worry for me. That is kind of nice. (Love to you all! xo)

Bitter Sweet Symphony.

Cliche Cliche Cliche Haven't Posted In Ages Blah Blah Blah Etc.

I have just woken up so this is going to be one of those fresh, half asleep posts that isn't overly articulate or possible poorly written. My problem is, I seem to tell the truth more when I am sleepy... Then regret it once I wake up. So will work well for you, but not so good for me.

I love Facebook, I love blogging and yet I hate airing dirty laundry online. Well, ooops.

So, this morning... Epic Fail for Lalee. On a positive note my horrible deathly sore throat is gone, on a negative note I am still waking up in the middle of the night and laying there for excesses of a hour thinking. Which has led me, to after the 6th night, being where I am now.

I have formed a terrible habit over the last 2 or more years. Whenever I get close to that wonderful happy feeling, I start to self sabotage. Oooo deep right? I don't know what it is, the second I feel at peace and have that little pep in my step, that little smile and that ability to quickly hop out of bed... I start to find reasons to pick it apart and then destroy. Hurt the causes before they hurt me.

I, the last couple of months, have reached that happy spot. The kind where life is good. The kind where my friends have noticed and have pointed it out. And then the night before last, the inevitable switch went and now that niggling self concious is finding reasons to rip it to shreds.
Sure, there are the pains in the arses still but nothing that pulls me down enough day to day.

This time, I have noticed it and am going to try and fight it... I think it doesn't help that I have had that middle of the night analysing time. I have spoken to Gretchen, Chantelle, Rach and Renee about it this time and they have all given me their four corners of advice.

I am doing really well at uni this semester (So far haven't had less than a distinction *touch wood*), I am having loads of fun with my friends, my Dad and I have been having a much better relationship (He even hugged me off of his own back on Friday night which he never does), my Mum and I are finding our balance again, I am going overseas in a few weeks and last, but not least, there is him.

And yet, I can feel myself wanting to chuck in the motivation with uni, the motivation to call either of my parents, starting to contemplate what could go wrong on my trip and then... well... basically wonder when he will cotton on that I am really not all that great or worth time and effort. (Before conclusions are drawn, this is not as it appears on the surface of writing)

So, with this... Stop it Lalee. The bottom line is, I just don't want to be hurt again. I just need to learn the fine art that that won't always happen, but on the flip side things don't always remain perfect.

Don't take this as a depressive post, it is far from (Remember, I am at my happy point). Just a bit of a waffle really.

I Don't Got Nothing Worth Having If I Don't Got You.

So once again it has been a while. The truth is, being a uni student takes up a lot of time... That and my ever active social life = no posting. So here we go again.

The week or so that was (2 weeks?)

I am truly one of the luckiest people around to have the friends I do. I say this often in blog posts but I just feel it isn't reiterated enough.

I had a few fights with friends over the last couple of weeks. Stressful time for everyone I guess and me being me, the bossy and argumentative type doesn't help.

The worst for me (And sorry if I am impugning any of the others I fought with) would have been Andrew. I love this man, he is a doll. He is my male bestie (Addy and Dave don't count here as they are a WHOLE other story ;)). I can talk to Andy about anything and everything, and I do. We have a really strong connection, so much so that people always say to us "Are you two together?"... Ummmm, no! It is NOT like that..... He is married and I think is wife is lovely :-) Amanda knows me and knows I pose no threat. Aside from this, Andy knows where my heart is right now. (Hear me justifying? It should be ok for guys and girls to be mates!)

Me and Andrew.

Anyway, irrelevant. I was bitter at Andrew. Unfortunately the case is he *IS* my tutor in several units (And he is not allowed to mark me) and we let a professional conflict get in the way of our personal relationship. Andy is SUPER sensitive and will never have a go at you, he will go in a corner and cry and not tell you until he is pushed to. And I mean this literally. I, however, am very forceful upfront and it is damn right clear when I am unhappy.

Then Andy made a MASSIVE sacrifice for me... For me... without discussing with me first what he was going to do which made me even more upset because I didn't want him to do that. (On the basis that my issue was not with him personally and as my friend I understood it was out of his control)

Bah, the point is, we had a fight at uni, everyone watching (Gretchen included) and Jenny intervened. I was crying, he was... it was a mess. But then he said to me "I love you... I would never do what I did for any friend, but you are different... I did it for you because you matter more to me"...

And with that, I bawled. To know I have met someone who is willing to do what he did.

I know it sounds like I am emotional alot. But you know, for a decade I felt NOTHING. I lived in a hell with nothing. In the past 2.5 years I have had these AMAZING things happen and am experiencing all these emotions I never knew existed.

Yesterday we had to go on an excursion with uni and him and I wandered around the art gallery taking the piss out of everything and at the end, I gave him a hug and said to him "I am so sorry about a shitty couple of weeks" and then he gave me a big hug and said "I love you so much, and I am never going anywhere OK!... EVER... NEVER!"

Me and Andy Yesterday At The Art Gallery and PICA.

I find it very difficult to trust because of people leaving my life so often, but you know, people like Andy give that glimmer of hope. And he is just one of many amazing people I have around me.

My birthday showed that... so many people there. Each one I love very much for different reasons. I could have invited a whole swagger more of my friends, but I picked the ones who thus far have been most influential... and about 25 were there with me.

Thank you all for such an amazing and awesome birthday. The words you all expressed to me throughout that whole week was beyond amazing. Love you all. 10 years of hell for 3 years of love and support and just incredible gifts of friendship...

But I Need You Here.

Rach and I

My best friend Rachael is a marvel. She is a singer and songwriter who can also play music. My friend Jeff produces music. The two of them have a band and have done for sometime now and are in the process of making their first CD. Rachael writes all the lyrics and sings it, Jeff writes and makes all the music.

Jeff and I

I am a fan of all their songs, naturally. They have one song though that is my absolute favourite.It is called 'Here' and it is a very dark, deep track and it makes my heart ache everytime I hear it. I love it so much and play it whenever I feel in that 'deep dark' type of place. I don't necessarily mean depressed, I mean moments of deep thought, confrontation or should I say personal conflict. Analysing and questioning choices I make and whether I did the right thing... and so on.

It is a beautiful track. I just adore it.
Last night and this morning I think I have listened to it 100 times (Maybe not that much but a lot).

I was in 'that' place. It got me to thinking, as well as events of last night, and has now made me want to use that piece of music in a solo performance piece I have to write and display in November. It came to me last night what I wanted to do, and how I wanted to do it.

I don't want to say what the piece is based on as I am not entirely sure who is and isn't reading this, and when the time comes I will be having filmed and will reveal it. I am only going to inform the appropriate people (Ie: Rach and Jeff, Andrew and Jenny. And then Salmiyah to help with movement.) what I intend to do with it, and hopefully get their collabortation to make it all come together.

I still need to ask Rach and Jeff if I can use the music, but I am confident I will get the go ahead.

I want to hide away today... so for now, here is a blog post.

Back to 'Here'... Which you can listen to at: www.myspace.com/reisentrapp

As If It's Ever Going To Come To That.

Where to begin? I don't know really what to blog about today, I am in a bit of a blank space.

So maybe we will go on a conversation I was involved in today.

It involved the choices we make in life and how they ultimately affect not only yourself but everyone else. What seem like good decisions, and feel right, and are right in some way may actually be negative and we can be quite blind to it.

I know, seems a bit topsy turvy right? It made sense in the context today.

I think sometimes something feels so good that we fail to see the impact on the larger scale. So the question is, do we live in the moment? Or plan ahead? Is there any sense in planning ahead?

Argh you see... Analysing!... That's what I do best!!!

Let's change topics.

Except I don't have much to say. Maybe later tonight?