Doesn't Matter What You Do, It's What You Did That's Hurting You.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tauH9VNUlds

I am writing my performance piece. This is to be performed Friday week. For some reason this song has helped. Not the song I am using, not a song I have listened to in the last 2 or more years and can't say what triggered me to find it other than old memories. This song once upon a time helped me in many ways...

I Feel, The Distance, Between Us, Could Be Over, With A Snap Of Your Fingers.

I am, admittedly, confused.

The last few days I have had several messages, via facebook e-mail type stuff to sms etc, saying such things as (I will use an example of one... Thank you to the person who sent me this) :

hey Leannimal! I meant to send you a message on thursday but I forgot. You seem a little down the last couple of times I've seen you. Are you ok?

Then yesterday I got a phone call from another dear friend who said:

"Hey, just wanted to call and check in you are doing ok. You seem not yourself and just wanted to check"

And then today I was out with my mother having a nice morning when randomly she said to me:

"Sweetheart are you doing ok? I told your step-dad the other day I felt you had been distant"...

Now these are just three of a few I have received. I am confused. I, truthfully (and as written in the previous post) had been feeling good lately and it never occurred to me I was being distant at all.

I have also had comments on me looking pale and ill...

I don't understand it? I mean one or two, ok sure no problems... but several? Seems so strange!

Am I being distant? I didn't think I had been any different to normal. I think my only change has been in Shakespeare because we are getting down to the wire and I have been reading lines inbetween scene rehearsals and then listening to Jenny's directions while rehearsing. Even then I still have been joking around and laughing when scenes go a bit haywire.

I just feel like me? I don't know... Strange. However I will say it is very sweet on the other hand I have such gorgeous people who worry for me. That is kind of nice. (Love to you all! xo)

Bitter Sweet Symphony.

Cliche Cliche Cliche Haven't Posted In Ages Blah Blah Blah Etc.

I have just woken up so this is going to be one of those fresh, half asleep posts that isn't overly articulate or possible poorly written. My problem is, I seem to tell the truth more when I am sleepy... Then regret it once I wake up. So will work well for you, but not so good for me.

I love Facebook, I love blogging and yet I hate airing dirty laundry online. Well, ooops.

So, this morning... Epic Fail for Lalee. On a positive note my horrible deathly sore throat is gone, on a negative note I am still waking up in the middle of the night and laying there for excesses of a hour thinking. Which has led me, to after the 6th night, being where I am now.

I have formed a terrible habit over the last 2 or more years. Whenever I get close to that wonderful happy feeling, I start to self sabotage. Oooo deep right? I don't know what it is, the second I feel at peace and have that little pep in my step, that little smile and that ability to quickly hop out of bed... I start to find reasons to pick it apart and then destroy. Hurt the causes before they hurt me.

I, the last couple of months, have reached that happy spot. The kind where life is good. The kind where my friends have noticed and have pointed it out. And then the night before last, the inevitable switch went and now that niggling self concious is finding reasons to rip it to shreds.
Sure, there are the pains in the arses still but nothing that pulls me down enough day to day.

This time, I have noticed it and am going to try and fight it... I think it doesn't help that I have had that middle of the night analysing time. I have spoken to Gretchen, Chantelle, Rach and Renee about it this time and they have all given me their four corners of advice.

I am doing really well at uni this semester (So far haven't had less than a distinction *touch wood*), I am having loads of fun with my friends, my Dad and I have been having a much better relationship (He even hugged me off of his own back on Friday night which he never does), my Mum and I are finding our balance again, I am going overseas in a few weeks and last, but not least, there is him.

And yet, I can feel myself wanting to chuck in the motivation with uni, the motivation to call either of my parents, starting to contemplate what could go wrong on my trip and then... well... basically wonder when he will cotton on that I am really not all that great or worth time and effort. (Before conclusions are drawn, this is not as it appears on the surface of writing)

So, with this... Stop it Lalee. The bottom line is, I just don't want to be hurt again. I just need to learn the fine art that that won't always happen, but on the flip side things don't always remain perfect.

Don't take this as a depressive post, it is far from (Remember, I am at my happy point). Just a bit of a waffle really.