I Am Iris Simpkins.

Almost a month since my last post. This can be attributed to me getting swine flu (Yes, you read the truth) and then starting back at Uni and being consumed in it.
Plus, you know, the truth is I haven't felt the urge to write. Things have been going pretty well (Pigs aside) and life has been ok. I have never aspired for good, just ok will do me fine.

You know, I don't really need to go on about the last few weeks, there isn't much to tell.

Let's talk about why I am sitting here at 11pm when I so clearly should be sleeping. Today, after what to me was a night I had wanted to have for a very VERY long time, I was left laying on the couch watching DVDs.
Good? Yeah sure, I seldom get time these days to really watch DVDs. The thing is, I was watching 'The Holiday' (Yes, one of my guilty pleasure chick flicks but I LOVE LOVE LOVE Jack Black in this movie... He embodies EVERYTHING I want in a man, a partner. Just very very sexy and the soundtrack rips at my heart) and it occurred to me...

I AM IRIS SIMPKINS!!! For those of you who have seen this movie, you will understand the reference. I AM IRIS SIMPKINS! The monologue she gives at the beginning of the movie is one of my most favourite of all time.
The similarities between Kate Winslet's character and myself and my thoughts, my day to day living, day to day experiences and so on are quite uncanny. I adore her in this movie also.


The line that Arthur says to her "In movies we have the leading lady, and the best friend. You, my dear, are a leading lady. But you are behaving like 'the best friend"
Best line ever. My absolute favourite quote. And ever so applicable.

So, in true Lalee style, after what was a night I had held on for and wanted for longer than I can remember, I got and was happy until it ended and then felt hollow and, in some small part, sad.
I think that life often can give us curves sometimes that no matter how much you seek for clarity and truth you just don't find it.
It is what it is. And that is all it ever will be. In some ways this hurts a bit. Some.

With this, I sit here tonight feeling not sad, not happy... somewhere in the middle, thinking "Lord, one day send me Miles (Jack Black)... I will take a Miles please..."
I don't need a Graham (Jude Law...As hot as he is)... Just a Miles. Wouldn't life be grand?

And then maybe the Jasper Bloom will be that much easier to let go of.

Sleep now.

Parental Guidance Recommended (Explicit Lyrics)

The last few days have been moderate, well, I will say from Friday/Saturday. I still am not going to deny that I still feel moments of low but so far ok. I think the thing getting to me the most at the moment is a lack of sleep. Whenever I get moments of high stress, I end up having nightmares. Have been like this my whole life (My parents and ex could testify to this).

I often have recurring nightmares too, the most common being that I can't stop vomiting. This particular one, however, has at present not shown itself. The ones of the last week or so have been quite a bit more severe.

Take some examples of ones I have had since Saturday night.
1: I dreamt a faceless gunman came and shot my family, unsuccessful in killing anyone, until he reached my big brother and shot him 7 times and killed him, pools of blood everywhere. (Quite graphic)
2: I dreamt I was killed and watching myself as it happened (The details of it I am quite vague on)
3: I dreamt scorpians dug their way under my skin and infested my body.

These are just three of them (And three of the ones tame enough to put on here). I don't know why it happens. I was reading a website on it which said:

Nightmares, unlike night terrors, can be recalled afterward and are accompanied by much less anxiety and movement. These frightening dream experiences, which tend to occur at times of insecurity, emotional turmoil, depression, or guilt, can occur in all age groups.

Nightmares occur exclusively during REM sleep. REM sleep phases grow longer in the latter part of the sleep cycle, and the majority of nightmares occur from the middle of the night onward.

I often wake up crying, panting or with a highly increased heart rate. The last couple of nights have been tough as I have had consecutive ones which wake me up frequently so I feel rather sleepy.

It is different on your own trying to calm yourself down from one. I remember growing up my Mother would have them often and would scream like murder! Thank god I don't react the same. I think tonight I am going to take sleeping pills and maybe I will bomb out!

Oh well, let's try and get a positive take on this, maybe in dream interpretation they all mean I am going to win lotto or be swept off my feet by Luke Wilson or Josh Duhamel or Johnny Depp? (Well, you get the idea :-P)

One can, excuse the pun, dream! :)